my schedule was packed- work, home, school, work, home, school, bed. that's how my planner read- the planner that will keep my life in order for the next 18 months- those unimaginable, hectic, and fruitful last 18 months of my degree. wednesday night porch sitting and wine drinking didn't lend itself to a restful sleep, nor did sharing my bed with the lovely melissa sue, who stayed over after a surprise visit from maine- a little gift of love from a truely wonderful friend. in any case, i wasn't in tip-top shape once 7am rolled around- it was destined to be a long, long day.
i left my cell phone at home when i went to work- pretty typical of me, but i'd been waiting for a call from the hartford golf club for the last couple days so i was a little miffed at myself. at around noon i called my vm to check messages and i had one- from my mother. my mother... with that voice... that voice that says, "you're the only one of my children that does things for me and i need you right now." she was at the hospital and needed a ride home. she'd fallen, another mysterious and undiagnosable "black-out". i hate that i get angry at her for this and that sometimes i'm so selfish and that i immediately thought, "WHY TODAY?!" most people would think i'm just horrible for not dropping everything and running to her. maybe i am... but i guess a handful of friends know what it's like for me to have my mother as a mother and thus, understand why i just can't do that. i did though, sort of, in the best way i know how. i'm a good daughter but honestly... why then, on that day, with that schedule, with no time?
my entire body was flooded, i was tired and stressed and upset and scared and hot and cold and dry and anxious. i left work with that suitcase chained to my wrist. it's never a great idea to drive with a head heavy with thought. focusing on highway navigation while trying to make sense of your life isn't adviseable, and i should know (see auto accident, fall 2006 for reference). i was really drowing in it though and no real solution, aside from just getting though it was coming to mind. tumble. jumble. mess.
stop.
picture this: a highway, a tunnel, a car. a girl in thought, relatively distressed, driving. out of the corner of her eye she sees something: a dragonfly. he (she decides) is flying with her- outside the car, riding the freeway current, 6 or so inches from the left side of her windshield.
a distraction- a friend, perhaps.
that little dragonfly hung around for as long as he could and i smiled and sighed one of those big sighs that just empties everything. the sunroof was open and all the gunky mish-mash flew out into the sky. i went to class and then set out for the hospital. i missed my turn (that place is a disaster) and had to take an extra trip around the block. at the intersection of maple avenue and jefferson street i spotted the dragonfly again. he zipped past the front of the car and did a little dragonfly dance while i waited for the light to change. we parted ways there. i picked up my mom. she was ok, just a pretty gnarly shiner from where she hit her eye on the door. mom was ok and i was ok.
everything is ok.
dragonfly with red wings, Miro.
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