Friday, October 10, 2008

on the reality of vanity or not seeing.

i went to another wedding last saturday. anna (the bride) was glowing, kathryn and all the bridesmaids were beautiful. each of the gents, including tyler (the groom) were handsome as ever. it was a gorgeous fall day- the perfect day for my two outdoorsy, woodsy friends to unite. it was windy and cool but the sun was bright and cut the chill (so did the champagne). the whole day was fabulous and memorable and i am so very blessed to have shared in my good friends' happiness.

kathryn posted all of the pictures that we took while getting ready and during the ceremony in her facebook albums. mostly i was the one taking the pictures so i didn't make too much of an appearance. i did, however, find myself tagged in a couple that anna's sister took of us doing shots of whiskey before the ceremony. here's the deal with those pictures:

i've gotten fat.

no no- i know you folks- the one or two that read this little blog of mine. i know you're rolling your eyes and saying, "oh my god, lydia, you are NOT fat." hear me right now, right this second. i'm not listening to you. i can't- and here's why: i don't recognize the girl in those pictures. it looks like someone swallowed me. when i got dressed that morning- in my favorite dress, mind you- i did not see that person looking back at me in the mirror. i saw me and i looked pretty and happy. pictures are the only glimpse at reality, i guess. in those snapshots i saw kathryn and anna and heather and allie looking great- just as they look when they're standing next to me. i don't know when i stopped seeing myself or when that image became distorted.

i know no one will agree with me on this but that's not really my concern. if you're not happy with what you see then what does it matter what anyone else says? clearly there are limits to that, points when it gets obsurd. i'm not at that point but i am at a place when i feel it's finally necessary to do something- to fix myself up a bit so that the gal i see in the mirror is the same gal you see and the same gal in those photos. i don't want to be the chubby friend.

i hate being so vain. i can't help it this time. maybe it's helpful sometimes to become absorbed in oneself. to cleanse, clear, revamp under the scrutiny of the never satisfied eye.


Triptych of Earthly Vanity and Divine Salvation, Hans Memling (c.1485)